One of my favorite books about homosexuality is The Velvet Rage by Dr. Alan Downs. In it, Dr. Down discusses the implications of growing up gay in a straight world. The last third of the book, Dr. Downs discusses skills that gay men can implement into their daily lives to lead more authentic lives. The first skill talks about – the man I wish to become, what would he do in this situation. In other words, we very likely have a picture in our minds of the person that we wish to be and yet, for whatever reason, we are not there yet. However, when faced with a difficult decision, we can think of the person we wish to become and make a decision based on that. My current path of letting things go has been resonating with this concept this past couple of weeks and just hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday.
There seems to be a lot of shoulds in the gay community, or at least that are allowable. Some of these shoulds are placed upon us by society and often, by our own community. Like it’s okay for a gay man to be sexually promiscuous or that we should watch Rupaul’s Drag Race. Insert any of the shoulds that society or our particular culture imposes on us; gay or straight. Despite my work with clients, I have seen how often these unconscious (and sometimes conscious) shoulds have wrecked havoc in my life.
What came to me recently is that I don’t need to judge a behavior by the shoulds, or the right and wrong about it. Louise Hay says in her book “You Can Heal Your Life,” that “every time we use the word should, we make ourselves wrong.” Also, we all have a propensity to want that forbidden fruit or to walk on the wild side. I need to evaluate whether or not I want to do something according to the man I wish to become. What is my highest truth? Is this action in line with what I am trying to create and manifest in my life?
So instead of questioning whether a behavior I want to engage in is right or wrong for me, these are the questions that I will ask before making a choice:
Would the man I wish to become do this?
Is this action in line with what I want to create/manifest in my life?
What is my highest truth in this situation?
I dare you to ask yourself these questions every time you are struggling with whether or not to engage in a behavior. The struggle usually indicates that the behavior in question is not in alignment with the aforementioned questions. I will let go of the struggle and reach for my highest truth today. I will be in alignment with the man I wish to become.
Namaste.