While compartmentalizing may be a good thing to keep my sanity at times, during other occasions, it works towards my detriment. My biggest struggle as a gay man is consolidating my spiritual self with my sexual self. I guess having grown up Catholic and being told (repeatedly I might add) that a – being gay was a sin and b – sex before marriage was a sin, it’s no wonder that I have had trouble integrating my spiritual and sexual self. Whenever I have acted out sexually, I have usually felt guilty about it spiritually and never have the two met – until now.

I had a chat with a good friend of mine; a mentor of sorts and we talked about spirituality and sex. His point was that it is all the same as being sexual is very spiritual (and no, saying “Oh my God” as you’re orgasming is not what he was referring to). The act of connecting with another human being in such a vulnerable fashion is a spiritual union as well. He also quoted Dolly Parton (from her book) that if God hadn’t meant for us to use our genitalia, He would not have given it to us. I left this conversation feeling more empowered sexually and spiritually. Thanks DLJ.

Another profound conversation I had recently was with an adult gay porn star who is actively working as performer and escort as well as being over a year sober in Alcoholic Anonymous. He runs a blog and is very raw, unapologetic, and verbal about his sexuality and spirituality. He told me that before he does a scene for a movie, he prays for his chakras to open up so that he is able to be at his very best. I was taken aback by the comment; a gay porn star praying before he does a scene. It was so incongruous in my mind but I let it seep in. Thanks NC.

So as I was planning the blog entry for today, I was still confused on how to write about integrating my very spiritual self and very gay sexual self. During one of my sessions today with a client, it dawned on me: it comes down to my motives. When I act out sexually when feeling some sort of negative emotion (whether consciously or unconsciously), I end up feeling bad about what I did and in conflict with my spirituality. When I seek sex to validate myself, again, I feel a certain negative way about myself and my actions; thinking that I have somehow gone against my spiritual principles. When I use sex to avoid the fears of actual dating, you get the picture right?

Now, if I have sex for the act of having sex and for no other reason than to have sex, I’m good. There’s nothing spiritually wrong with feeling sexy and having sex when it’s under the appropriate circumstances. What I mean by appropriate is when I am not using anyone deceitfully to get into his pants and I am not engaging in sexual behavior to medicate some negative emotion, avoid my fears and/or validate myself, sex can be (and is) very spiritual. It finally sunk in how to integrate two very important aspects of my being. It’s all one under the appropriate circumstances. It’s all about my motives. A Course In Miracles says that “I have invented the world that I see.” This disjointed view of sex and spirituality was of my own creation all along.

What do I want for myself and my life? What would the man I wish to become do in the same situation. I now have the questions as well as answers to have a very healthy and integrated spiritual and sexual life.

Tags: sex, spirituality, lgbtq