It seems that I have been having a bit of an existential crisis of late. I am turning 51 soon. I feel that I have achieved so many great things. However, I also find myself thinking about the things I didn’t do, comparing myself to others who have done the things I wish I could have done, and minimizing my achievements that others would kill for. Suddenly, a thought flashed in my head, an inspirational thought from Source. The statement, “What am I here to do?” gave me much pause and thoughts for reflection.

I look at all these models/actors/porn stars on social media and think to myself, “why couldn’t I have been born with a phenomenal body? Why can’t I just bang as many dudes as I want and not care? Why can’t I not party til the wee hours of the night? Why can’t I be in a relationship for extended periods of time like everyone else can?

While genetics have some role to play, I could have more of a phenomenal body if I would spend more hours at the gym (that I don’t have because I have a job I love) and thousands of dollars in plastic surgery to get that body. I could bang as many dudes as I want and not care but the issue is that I do care. I care who I share my body with today. I care that I may be negatively impacting others by my seductions. I care who I spend any sort of time with today. I could party into the wee hours of the night, however, I have come to appreciate my body and give it the rest and sustenance that it needs. I have been in several rather short-term relationships. I could have been in longer term relationships but I made choices not to. I could be in one right at this moment but it’s more about connection than relationship status for me.

Why don’t I have thousands of followers on social media? Why can’t I travel the world and go to exotic places instead of being in a 9 to 5 job that keeps me in one place? Why can’t I make more money doing what I love instead of dedicating a small percentage of my business, which is a big money maker, to stuff I hate doing? Why don’t I have more self-pay clients instead of having to rely on insurance all the time?

Well, I could have thousands of followers on social media if I were constantly on it and commenting and posting content. I could travel the world if I really wanted to. My commitment to my clients and my cat keep me homebound with the exception of my comic cons. The kind of business that I hate doing comprises ¼ of the time I spend on the work I love doing and both allow me to stay in business as well as keep me in the lifestyle that I want to be in. The fact that I am able to take insurance allows folks who are hungry for the work to do so at a nominal cost as opposed to shelling out hundreds of dollars a month. I get to work with the underdogs who are really the Super people of the world.

Why couldn’t have my life been easier and with less trauma? Why did it take me so long to learn the things that I know today that I could have know 20 years ago? Why didn’t come to me as easily as it did to others?

Who’s to say that my life hasn’t been easy and not traumatic? What if these are just dramatic labels I am applying to them. It doesn’t matter how long it took me to learn the lessons, I fucking learned them. Many folks would say lots of things come easy to me.

Bottom line is: I am using a measuring tape to compare and measure my life against others. I need to get to a place of greater acceptance with the situations I am not happy with. When it comes down to it, some of the things I wish I could have done or had were just not my path. So once again, I pose the question, what am I here to do? I think that through my own life experiences, I am here to show folks the possibilities that you can have once you overcome the “I wish…” syndrome. For that to fulfill its purpose, I had to go through all of the above and be everything that I am exactly who I am.

Tags: feelings, mental health, psychology, coaching, lgbt, gay therapy, gay love, gay man, gay relationships, alcohol, drugs