Being the good homosexual man that I am, I am particularly obsessed with Broadway musicals. My latest obsession is If/Then The Musical starring Idina Menzel. This musical tells the story of a young woman named Elizabeth and provides two different scenarios of what her life would have turned out to be if she had taken one path or another. The title song of the musical is called “What If?” In it, Idina as Elizabeth sings a line that resonated with me very strongly: “Tell me what if I’m bound for disaster, What if I fall off a cliff? Will I ever just learn how to live and not wonder what if?” It then struck me that I have been playing this game with myself throughout my whole life. I play the What If game?

I think back to the mistakes I have made. I torture myself by thinking What If I would have done things differently? I even come up with the scenarios that might have been if I had done things differently. This usually occurs during those times I regret a choice I made and have to live with certain consequences. It is a torture that I put myself through.

The What If? questions can continue until the cows come home. So when I realized that I was playing this game, it dawned on me that I will never know What If? My life will never be “It’s A Wonderful Life” where Clarence the Angel comes down and shows me what would have been different if I had never been born or had made a different decision. So if asking the What If? questions are a waste of time, I wondered “Now What?” Now what do I make of my life despite these unanswerable questions?

I will tell you Now What? because it doesn’t matter What If? The past is in the past and is irreversible. I know that despite my past maladaptive behaviors, I have been able to turn things around in my life for the better because all of the obstacles and pain that I have had to go through in my lifetime.

In the last couple of years, I re-invented my career and have made it my life’s work to serve the LGBT and HIV community with a passion I have never experienced before. I am committed to ending self-stigma associated with HIV. I have been able to establish and maintain quality relationships with friends and family like I have never had before. I have found another passion in pursuing physical fitness in ways that I have never thought of before. I have found that there is a power greater than myself. I found my passion for writing again. I stopped giving a shit what other people think about me and worry about what makes me happy as long as I don’t harm anyone else. I must say that I am happier today than I have ever been.

So Now What? I make my life the best possible because I have a renewed passion for it. I will be unstoppable because instead of asking What If? I say Now What?.

Tags: broadway, musicals, lgtbq