When The Dust Settles
Written on Tuesday 17 May 2016
This time last year (May 2015), I embarked on a journey to completely overhaul my life. I was not content with many areas and wanted a makeover of sorts. I found the perfect life coach to guide me through these changes. He provided me with many assignments, some of which I resisted and had my mental temper tantrums. However, I engaged in all of them. I was like an addict brand new in a 12 step program, willing to do whatever it took to promote change and growth. I was tired of living the way that I had been but I was too scared to do the work for many years. The time had come. The main goal was to get me ready to start dating again (after a long dry spell) and hopefully have a loving and mutually reciprocal relationship with a man. And on I went....
For the better part of Spring and Summer of last year, my life revolved around making these overhauls, more like defined by these overhauls. I was determined to make something happen. Around October/November of last year, I started dating again. None of the worked out because I did do something different than before - I wasn't too picky and I didn't settle. However, the drawback was that I was consumed by when would it happen already.
Then, on January 3, 2016, after convincing myself that I shouldn't date for awhile (as the previous three men I dated didn't work out), I met an amazing man. This man met almost all of the criteria I had journaled about. He loved me unconditionally and was interested in metaphysics and growing with someone. I thought that this might be it. This relationship was not without it's problems, on both our parts. And sadly, on March 12, this relationship ended. Needless to say I was devastated as this was what I had been working up to.
I spent the next 6 weeks in anger and rage. I blamed it and faulted him and played the martyr. I engaged in all sorts of behaviors, some of which I am not proud of, but learned so much about myself in the process. After weeks of not speaking to my "ex", I decided that the man I wish to become is not one that lives in anger and rage and acting out left and right. I made peace with him and felt a significant shift in my life.
What I noticed was that my life had been defined by working on myself to get into a relationship, date, be in a relationship, and then anger because it didn't work out. Now that the dust had settled significantly, I was left with the question: "Ok, now what?" I felt that I had lost my path and I had no direction. So I decided to engage in my more adaptive ways of coping and through meditation, asked the question: "Now that the dust has settled, what do I do?"
The answer that came to me was I didn't have to do anything. I had my direction already and these experiences had removed the obstacles to me accessing it. I just had to be and not let myself be defined by anything outside of myself. I had to stay true to everything I learned throughout this year and step into the world more powerfully, knowing that I am the man I want to be with and that the relationship is coming. I just have to surrender, do the work, and let the universe do her thing.
Tags: dating, LGBT, surrender,