So let’s get one thing out in the open, I am a control freak. I love things to be a certain way. I succumb to my internal shoulds on other people and things from time to time despite not liking when they are imposed on me. I police the subway system in NYC unbeknownst to the MTA and the daily riders. However, two very important life lessons have crossed my path, along with the above reference meme, that have slapped me in the face as far as surrendering and letting go.
I once heard at a recovery meeting that surrendering means to stop fighting. The aforementioned meme states that surrender is learning to get out of the way of what wants to happen naturally. Marianne Williamson always talks about that an acorn is genetically programmed to become a tree without our help. In my life, surrendering has come to mean that I let go of control.
I recently had a relapse of sorts with the “relationship” that brought me to my knees many years ago. The same “relationship” that prompted my current spiritual journey. I use the word relationship in quotations as, frankly, I was the only one in the relationship. This most recent relapse was brought about by a bit of hubris in my ability to separate sex and love with this guy. Alas, nothing could have been further from the truth. I thought that since I was spiritually evolved, I could change the situation, and subsequently, change him to be the man I wanted him to be. We could finally be in that loving and mutually reciprocal relationship I have been longing for. However, I saw that I was becoming the man that I didn’t want to be again, this time, in much more insidious and destructive ways. Please get the following straight, I am not blaming him for my actions. I placed myself in the situation to begin another dark descent and I take full responsibility. After seeing a descent back into darkness that I fought my way out of 2 years ago, I finally knew that I had to surrender and let him go. Today, he will not love me the way that I want to be loved and to continue to be in his life, I become a toxic individual. This is not the man I wish to become. I prayed and meditated on it every day. I kept a rose quartz crystal with the word “ACCEPT” on it on my person on a daily basis to remind me of this fact. The feelings and longing to be with him are still there, however, my spiritual path has allowed me to have a second thought. I pray for him as I pray for myself and I wish for him everything that I wish for myself. I just can’t be with him today and as much as it hurts, that’s okay.
The second life lesson came over this past Thanksgiving weekend. Although I do not have children myself, God has blessed me with wonderful nieces. We have a relationship that almost borders on father/daughter more than uncle/niece. My oldest stayed with me this past weekend. She is attending college several states away from me. At the end of our vacation, as I put her on the bus, it hit me like a ton of bricks: she is not a little girl anymore. She doesn’t have the curly hair she was born with and she no longer laughs at all my cheesy jokes that she used to when she was a child. She is a grown woman. As sobering as this fact was, I was also present to how proud I am of the woman that she is and I have to let her go too. I can’t control her life’s path, just be there to support and guide her (not that she needs much as she is an amazing woman). I cried as I walked to the subway; tears of both joy and sadness,
Surrendering and letting go ultimately means to me today: getting out of my own (and other people’s way) and allow growth to occur naturally. I have to do the work, however, I don’t control the outcome. And that’s okay as this takes a lot of pressure off of me.
Namaste